Thursday, November 15, 2012

Monarchy for a Modern Age

I am now a co-blogger here with Entirely Alive!. Mr. Alive! is at work right now, but forgot to turn his computer off, so now he has co-bloggers and you have to listen to me. Not like at home where even when I meow really loudly it is only fifty-fifty that he will get off his lazy butt and fetch me some treats. I expect this blogging business to be rather like meowing, except far more effective in that not only will I get treats but I will also subvert the global order and pave the way for a restoration of monarchy across the globe.

I am Charlemagne, emperor of the Romans, sovereign of every living Frank and rightful suzerain of every inch of land from the Ebro to the Elbe. I am also a black lady-cat, and if you even think an inappropriate thought I will claw the fuck out of your genitals. I am also very pretty and enjoy planning how to murder everyone around me and eating their still warm flesh.

Mr. Alive! spends far too much time at home swearing and shouting at your silly person government and not nearly enough time feeding me treats and otherwise entertaining me. This, it goes without saying, is a huge problem, that I will now fix.

Apparently, you silly people have this thing where stupid people are considered "part rulers" of your nation. Sure, the smart people are also considered "part rulers", but in my experience smart people have much more important things to be doing than managing a country, like fetching me treats. But the fact that you let stupid people vote gets you results like a country where only seventeen percent you you approve of the job congress is doing, yet over 90% of congresscats (and congresspeople, we are not discriminatory here at EA)  who wanted to be re-elected got re-elected. Only two Senators (neither of whom were cats) who wanted to be re-elected failed at being re-elected. This is stupid. This is even stupider than taking a bath, because at least with a bath you can lick yourself clean in a few hours, but it takes a whole two years to clean the stench of a congresscat out of a district, and then after two years you go and get congressthings all over everything again, as if you hadn't learned your lesson the first time.

And anyway, the thing you have now, it's pretty close to exactly what a government should look like. There is one person who has supreme executive power to go to war whenever he wants, kill whoever he wants, regulate any displeasing part of his subject's lives, and to whom all land ultimately belongs. As far as I can tell, the only reason you don't call him a king is because you don't vote for kings. All you really need is to phase out congress, turn the pretty building into a cat shelter, and make the supreme court subordinate to the new American Emperor. I expect that if you are not currently a congresscat, you won't even notice the change.

Then the only thing left to do is enjoy this bit of chicken that my junior co-blogger King Solomon has pulled out of the trash can while pondering why, exactly, you don't vote for kings. At first glance, it would seem that  lithic sword extraction is obviously an inferior method for monarch selection than voting, but first glance is often wrong. This is why cats stare at things for so long. I have stared at America for my entire life, all seven months of it, and as far as I can tell, a rock, even one dumb enough to have a sword stuck in it, has vastly superior decision making skills than the American public.

Consider what just happened. Two politicians blew a whole year and a billion dollars dashing around your unreasonably large country trying to out Santa Claus the other. If one promised chicken treats, the other would promise twice as many, with a variety of flavors. Back in March, when I was a mewling kitten who had yet to open her eyes, such promises excited me. It has since become clear, however, that neither politician has any treats to speak of, or if they do, the odds of me getting any are basically zero. Your system doesn't select for the person most capable of providing me with treats, it selects for the person best at lying about giving me treats. Perhaps this is better than Mr. Alive! who just sits on his fat butt all evening, feeds me kibbles and doesn't even promise any treats, but it is still insufficient in a noble personage.

On the other hand, it doesn't matter how many stupid promises a candidate for king makes, because at the end of the day, they still have to pull a sword out of a rock. Not only is this cheaper and quicker, but it also avoids the problem of selecting for the biggest liar and instead selects for physical strength, an important quality since when they purchase all the treats and entertainments I require it will take a tremendous amount of physical strength to carry them from the store to me.

However, lithic sword extraction, and even sword distribution by damp females are antiquated methods of monarchical succession. While they are both superior to voting, history has shown us that there is an even better method of selecting for a monarch, murder.

Your election just by happenstance ended up selecting the most provenly murderous candidate, but it was a close thing there for a while. Even then, Mr. Obama only campaigned on having killed one person, Osama bin Laden. Now, I have seen Mr. Obama on the computer screen and not only does he appear to be completely lacking in claws, he is also only about four inches tall. Killing one person may be a substantial accomplishment for a four inch tall clawless and dull toothed man, but, the average outdoor cat can hunt and kill three birds or rodents a week. Why, if I had been allowed out of the apartment, I am sure I could have hunted down Mr. Laden and clawed his face up until he bled to death. Cats are, after all, the world's best predators.

Wouldn't you rather have a king who is selected through a process that requires him to husband resources, form coalitions, build, manage and juggle armies, assassins, and mobs and ultimately picks only the best candidate from a purely results-driven process? This is what happens in every militarized monarchical succession crisis, and while it may not raise up the most benevolent ruler, it does prove definitively that a king can get things done, and with the worsening economy and accelerating rate of overseas military interventions, getting things (for things read killing) done is exactly what you need.

Ultimately, though, monarchy comes down to self-interest. A popular anti-sufferage pamphlet reminds us that "Clean houses and good homes, which cannot be provided by legislation, keep children healthier and happier than any number of uplift laws." This is doubly true today. Not only will the end of popular politics save everyone a great deal of time and money that can be used for desperately needed self-improvement (i.e., kitty treats), but since you are all, in the eyes of your government, children, it is time to let an absolute monarch step in to care for you like an all-seeing father.

How else could you possibly manage to live moral and productive lives? You don't even feed me enough kitty treats!

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